i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
