I CAN MOONWALK!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
