I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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