I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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