UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
