Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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