ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
