the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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