well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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