Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
