Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
