Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
