Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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