How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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