just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
