I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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