Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
