i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
