Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
