So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
