Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
