Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
