my phone needs a breathalizer
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
