her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
