I wanna bring you to show and tell
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Randomize
