I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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