Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
