I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
