I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
