matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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