oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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