Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
