i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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