I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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