sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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