Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
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You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
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then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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