i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I think my fart just growled at me.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
