This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
