I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
