just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
