....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
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