WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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