Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
