I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
