I was born with a shot glass in my hand
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
