wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
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