My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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