So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
