i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
