Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
