I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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