The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
