I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
