I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
