i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
