ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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