Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
